High-Functioning But Not Okay — Therapy for Black Girls

I bear in mind the season of my life once I thought being “tremendous” meant being purposeful. I used to be answering emails, hitting deadlines, displaying up for everybody — however emotionally, I used to be on autopilot. My thoughts was racing, my physique was tense, and my pleasure was gone. Nonetheless, I advised myself, not less than I’m getting issues accomplished.

That’s the difficult half about being high-functioning however not okay — you’ll be able to look polished and in management on the skin whereas quietly unraveling inside. You’re driving 90 miles an hour, not since you’re thriving, however as a result of slowing down feels harmful.

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For many people, particularly Black ladies, we’ve been conditioned to equate productiveness with proof of price. We maintain the automobile transferring as a result of stopping appears like failure. We’re advised that being “sturdy” means by no means stalling, by no means displaying pressure — even when our inner examine engine gentle has been blinking for miles.

I bear in mind nights once I’d come house from work and instantly open my laptop computer once more. I’d scroll, kind, reply — making an attempt to remain forward, to maintain up, to not fall behind. However beneath the movement was worry. Worry of disappointing somebody. Worry of not being sufficient. Worry that if I slowed down, I’d need to really feel every little thing I’d been avoiding.

And that’s the half nobody talks about. Generally “high-functioning” is simply our ache dressed up in perfectionism.

The overworking.

The over-giving.

The over-explaining.

All of it’s a option to distract from the inside voice whispering, you’re not okay.

The Phantasm of Management

Being in fixed movement provides us the phantasm of management. It feels safer to maintain driving than to tug over and face what’s actually occurring underneath the hood — the grief, the resentment, the fatigue we’ve realized to suppress. However finally, the fixed movement stops feeling like empowerment and begins feeling like entrapment. You’re not driving anymore — you’re being pushed.

You smile via conferences, host household gatherings, maintain your calendar full. Folks have a look at you and assume, “She’s doing superb.” However what they don’t see is the exhaustion that follows you house. The way in which you collapse at night time along with your coronary heart nonetheless racing. The way in which your thoughts received’t quiet, even in relaxation.

It’s like your transmission is caught in drive — you’ll be able to’t cease, can’t gradual, can’t shift into impartial. You’re transferring, however you’re not transferring ahead.

The Price of Overdrive

When your engine is continually revving, your physique and thoughts finally pay the worth — sleepless nights, quick tempers, forgotten meals, and that deep, indescribable vacancy that creeps in even after you’ve “completed” every little thing. We inform ourselves, as soon as I get via this week, as soon as I hit that objective, as soon as I show myself, — however there’s at all times one other hill to climb.

Over time, achievement stops feeling like satisfaction and begins feeling like survival.

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The Reframe

Right here’s what I’ve realized: your drive isn’t the issue — it’s what’s driving you.

If it’s worry, guilt, or the necessity to show your self, you’ll at all times be chasing a transferring end line. But when it’s objective, peace, and care to your personal wellbeing, you’ll discover stability once more. You’ll be able to nonetheless be formidable, nonetheless dream massive — simply not on the expense of your physique, your boundaries, or your pleasure.

Take a second to ask your self:

Am I attaining or simply avoiding?

Is my busyness a boundary or a disguise?

What would occur if I ended for some time?

Perhaps it’s time to shift gears. Not into park — simply right into a tempo that honors your humanity as a lot as your hustle.

As a result of being “okay” ought to by no means rely upon how nicely you carry out.

Generally the bravest factor you are able to do isn’t to push tougher — it’s to pause.