The 51st State? Nah, Canada Says, 'Bless Your Mess, America'

Marker for the U.S.-Canadian border between Skagway, Alaska, and Stikine Area, British Columbia. | Supply: Philip Yabut / Getty

Welcome to 2025, y’all.

It’s a brand new 12 months.

Individuals are out right here pretending they’re passionate about their resolutions.

And the Donald Trump clown automobile hasn’t run out of fuel. It’s nonetheless sputtering alongside, fueled by a crucible of fumes, chaos, no matter’s left of his supporters’ blind loyalty, chilly McDonald’s fries and a thriller tank of “covfefe” for good measure.

Let’s hit rewind on the newest nonsense reel, we could?

So, right here’s the gist of Trump’s newest brainwave—and I take advantage of that time period loosely, as a result of this newest thought of his feels extra prefer it bought caught in the identical gentle breeze that retains his hair defying each gravity and good sense, moderately than any precise cognitive course of. In all his delusional grandeur, Trump urged that Canada—sure, an entire nation with its love of hockey, a common healthcare flex and suspiciously clear streets—ought to turn into the 51st state!

Nah, he’s not attempting to roll up on Canada with tanks and troops to begin a army invasion. He’s choosing a barely much less cinematic however equally ridiculous method: “financial drive.”

Y’all know what that might imply, proper?

This self-proclaimed “grasp dealmaker” would most likely wield shady spreadsheets and the identical sort of bloated swagger he used to hawk steaks, a rip-off college and a profession riddled with over 4,000 lawsuits and extra bankruptcies than a Monopoly recreation board.

Elizabeth Could, a lawmaker who leads Canada’s Inexperienced Celebration, didn’t come to play with Trump.

In his thoughts, and McMuffin in hand, Trump’s model of diplomacy appears to be threatening tariffs on syrup and hockey sticks. I assume he thinks sovereignty is just a few minor inconvenience. Or, that each neighbor is simply ready to be annexed. By no means thoughts that Canada has its personal authorities and legal guidelines. Let’s simply erase the border and merge.

“As a result of Canada and the US, that might actually be one thing. You do away with that artificially drawn line, and also you check out what that appears like, and it will even be significantly better for nationwide safety,” Trump mentioned.

Merging the U.S. and Canada can be “one thing.”

Yep, simply one thing.

No specifics. No additional particulars, simply the imprecise promise that erasing the border would someway resolve all our nationwide safety issues. Pourquoi, you ask? Don’t hassle—logic clearly RSVP’d “No” to this concept.

And, in fact, he couldn’t resist complaining that America spends “a whole lot of billions” defending Canada, as if Canadians have been banging on the White Home door begging for our protection price range.

He mentioned “a whole lot of billions” of {dollars}. As a result of, in fact, he did. As a result of information don’t matter. As a result of he likes to make issues sound bigly. This man has a continual situation referred to as Exaggerationitis, the place each quantity magically inflates into the billions, irrespective of the context. Whether or not dude is speaking about crowd sizes, commerce deficits, authorities spending, how a lot cash he’s misplaced, or the quantity of people that supposedly love him, his math ain’t by no means mathing. However what do you anticipate from a self-proclaimed “steady genius” with a calculator caught on fantasy settings?

The cracks in America’s basis are now not simply seen—they’re gaping.

Oh, and earlier than all this annexation foolishness, Trump—bless his orange coronary heart—urged that hockey legend Wayne Gretzky, The Nice One, ought to run for Prime Minister of Canada. Now, anyone who has a shred of working data of how Canada’s authorities works is aware of you don’t simply “run” for that place. However in Trump’s world, precise political expertise is non-obligatory, however celeb standing, questionable morals and felony conduct are virtually job necessities.

However don’t fear, y’all. Canada wasn’t attempting to let this takeover nonsense slide.

Enter Elizabeth Could, a lawmaker who leads Canada’s Inexperienced Celebration. Pay attention, she didn’t come to play with Trump. She stepped as much as the mic like a fed-up trainer coping with a pupil who nonetheless thinks 2 + 2 equals “a whole lot of billions and billions.” Snort laughing as I sort.

Let me inform you, she delivered a response that was equal elements civics training, political snark, and pure Canadian shade. Elizabeth Could didn’t simply throw shade. She constructed a complete forest. She planted the bushes herself and invited everybody to take a seat underneath them with a pleasant cup of tea. And I, for one, am right here for all this scrumptious, maple-syrup-drizzled dragging of a person whose grasp of worldwide relations is as flimsy as his comb-over. Her speech was a masterclass in diplomacy and tips on how to inform an unqualified egomaniac to take a seat down and shut up with out even elevating your voice.

“Donald,” she mentioned in that sweetly condescending tone Canadians have mastered, “seize one in all your grandkids’ schoolbooks and search for 1776.”

And identical to that, Elizabeth Could set the tone for what was about to be essentially the most politely savage lesson in parliamentary democracy Trump has ever acquired—although, let’s be sincere, the bar wasn’t precisely excessive to start with.

And I really like how she was like: “I’m not attempting to demean Mr. Trump.” Woman, sure, you have been. And I cherished each single second of it. The best way she delivered that line with signature Canadian aptitude made all that condescension really feel like a heat hug over right here on the East Coast after getting practically a foot of snow. She then walked him by the fundamentals of Canada’s parliamentary system like she was explaining algebra to a pupil who’s been consuming glue.

Oh, however she wasn’t accomplished.

Could placed on some skates. She made it painfully clear that Canada isn’t some spin-off of American politics the place billionaires can simply purchase their solution to the highest prefer it’s a nasty actuality present. And simply in case Trump’s notoriously fragile ego wasn’t bruised sufficient, she upped the ante with a proposal so clean it most likely left him blinking in confusion.

Canada wasn’t attempting to let this takeover nonsense slide.

F being the 51st state! Could trolled Trump with sovereign sass by throwing down a counteroffer.

Hey, California, Oregon, and Washington—y’all can come be part of Canada because the eleventh, twelfth and thirteenth provinces. LOL. She really referred to as it “Cascadia.” That seemed like an eco-conscious insult.

She didn’t cease.

Could mentioned Canada will take Bernie Sanders, too. She didn’t say it outright, however you could possibly virtually hear her muttering, “Y’all ain’t doing something helpful with him anyway.” I may see Bernie sipping Tim Hortons espresso in a flannel shirt, some poofy mittens, frosted-up eyeglasses, and eventually residing his greatest socialist life in peace. Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine—y’all come on up too!

She sweetened the pot with guarantees of free well being care (as a result of GoFundMe shouldn’t be your insurance coverage supplier), stricter gun legal guidelines (as a result of Canadians like their streets bullet-free), abortion rights that aren’t always up for debate (as a result of ladies’s our bodies shouldn’t be a political battleground), and an general improve from chaos to competence.

The Donald Trump clown automobile hasn’t run out of fuel.

However the pièce de résistance was when Could pulled out the stats. Trump’s beloved America has a gun fatality fee of 5.9 per 100,000 individuals, whereas Canada’s is a mere 0.88. Translation: “Donald, your nation is actually taking pictures itself within the foot, and we’d want to maintain our toes intact, thanks.” She didn’t even increase her voice, however the vitality screamed, “Say somethin,’ MAGA man.”

The mic throw was her closing line: “If it was a joke, it was by no means humorous, and it ends now.” And oh, what a line it was.

Elizabeth Could’s speech wasn’t only a well mannered roasting and basting of Trump’s personal delusions and stupidity. It was a mirror held as much as America on this important historic second, and the reflection was something however flattering. It is a nation that elected Donald Trump not as soon as, however twice (sure, twice—as a result of let’s not overlook the Electoral Faculty math that handed him his first time period). A rustic that by no means misses a possibility to proclaim itself the “biggest nation on this planet,” whereas the proof continues to scream in any other case.

American exceptionalism has at all times been a comforting fairy story, however Could’s four-minute masterclass made it clear that the remainder of the world isn’t shopping for it. She referred to as it out with out saying the phrases: our damaged healthcare system that forces mother and father to crowdfund lifesaving remedies for his or her children. The epidemic of gun violence that makes our streets and faculties really feel like conflict zones. The willful ignorance that retains science, historical past, and fundamental information up for debate. The delicate egos in management that might moderately stir up division than face laborious truths.

And in the course of all this chaos, Could’s invitation to California, Oregon and Washington wasn’t only a intelligent little bit of trolling—it was a pointed reminder that there’s one thing higher on the market. Healthcare that doesn’t bankrupt individuals for needing an ambulance. Streets the place strict gun legal guidelines result in fewer households burying their family members. A authorities that doesn’t deal with ladies’s rights like a ping-pong ball in a partisan recreation. Her speech was a pitch, not only for Canada, however for a imaginative and prescient of governance that prioritizes dignity, security, and customary sense—issues that really feel more and more scarce in America as of late.

Could’s invitation for blue states to hitch one thing higher wasn’t only a dig at Trump; it was an acknowledgment that the cracks in America’s basis are now not simply seen—they’re gaping. And whereas we’re busy pretending all the pieces’s effective, the remainder of the world is shaking its head and questioning how the so-called “biggest nation on earth” ended up right here. Could mentioned the quiet half out loud: America isn’t distinctive. It’s a cautionary story and an empire in decline.

Elizabeth Could didn’t simply drag Trump—she gave the entire nation the side-eye. And truthfully? We earned it. As a result of whereas we’re over right here attempting to persuade ourselves we’re nonetheless “the best,” she reminded us that the remainder of the world is watching … and laughing.

Dr. Stacey Patton is an award-winning journalist and the creator of Spare the Children: Why Whupping Kids Received’t Save Black America.