Comedian Shuler King Defends Sending Employee Home for Hair

*In a shocking show of benevolent steering from the throne of widespread sense, our nation’s foremost philosopher-king of the apparent, funnyman and social critic/commentator, Shuler King, has graced the unwashed lots together with his newest edict. The topic? An nameless company serf—whose title and performance are blessedly beneath discover—who had the gall to report for her every day grind sporting a coiffure.

Sure, you learn that appropriately. A coiffure.

Based on sources fluent in King-ese, the lady was despatched residence, her company overlords uttering the timeless phrase: “We don’t wish to see you wanting like that.” A warning was issued. Ought to she repeat this act of follicular revolt, the guillotine—metaphorically talking, after all, that is about her paycheck—awaits.

King, in his infinite knowledge bestowed from the excessive citadel of Affordable Takes, has damaged down this complicated socio-economic dilemma with the nuance of a sledgehammer.

First: The Employer is Proper. Clearly.

Until you might be employed as a seaside ball at an Arizona Cardinals tailgate or a potted plant in a Silicon Valley “wellness pod,” your hair should not distract, detract, or dare to exist as a type of private expression. The memo from HR, the unstated gown code, the obscure aura of disapproval—these are the sacred texts of the trendy office. To query them is to query gravity itself. The lady’s crime was not a foul coiffure, per se, however the sheer audacity to assume her head was her area throughout billable hours.

Shuler King – screenshot

Second: The Paycheck is All.

King, a person certainly acquainted with the wrestle of selecting between hire and inventive expression, lower to the guts of the matter: “Don’t threat dropping your paycheck.” Who cares if the ‘do price $500? Who cares if it made her really feel like an impressive sunflower? The calculus is easy: Hair = Potential Job Loss = Hungry Dependents. Are your kids’s mouths price your bangs? No. No, they aren’t. This isn’t a dialog. It is a monetary spreadsheet.

Third: Do Not Have interaction.

The lady is suggested to swallow any retort, any query starting with “However why—”, any burgeoning sense of injustice. To have interaction in “back-and-forth” is to step onto a battlefield the place the one weapon you maintain is your soon-to-be-terminated employment contract. Nod silently, return residence, and unravel the offensive model. Ponder your sins towards company aesthetics.

However Wait! The Plot Thickens!

In an exhilarating twist worthy of a courtroom drama, King has not solely tried and sentenced the lady however has additionally recognized a co-conspirator: the “Butician.”

This rogue stylist, working from what we will solely assume is a shadowy salon of chaos, is the true architect of this financial near-disaster. They should be discovered. They should be reprimanded. Maybe even pressured to look at a 10-hour loop of company onboarding movies till they perceive the extreme, profit-margin-endangering penalties of an ill-advised twist-out.

In conclusion, allow us to all be glad about Shuler King’s courageous stand. In a world teetering on the point of anarchy—the place workers may put on no matter hair they like—we want a robust, uncompromising voice to remind us of the pure order: The boss’ choice is king (so to talk), your autonomy is a frivolity, and your “butician” is a menace to steady society.

Now, in case you’ll excuse us, now we have to go examine our worker handbook to see if “sarcasm” is an authorized tone for submitting studies. We could have already mentioned an excessive amount of.